As I looked ahead to May, my mind and heart felt an incredible and unmistakable sense of beautiful unfolding … of LIFE! It was as if a curtain was lifted – April, which had been so heavy and dark with tests and unknowns and waiting and doctor appointments and agonizing decisions, was wrapping up. And May would be ushering in all kinds of goodness. I knew it deep inside.
This strong, lovely sense in my heart may have taken root in a conversation toward the end of April.
From the first moment after The Call came on January 8, 2016 – after I caught my breath and for every breath I’ve taken since, I’ve known for sure: this is my body and my healing path that I will walk out. I will need to study and pray and seek and learn and be stretched and be torn and seek second and third opinions and ultimately, I will have to
make the hard decision.
I can look back over the last fifteen months and see, as if with mile markers in the road, the extraordinarily difficult decisions I made. Each one was a pivot, that shifted the course of my treatment and my life.
I was just reminded how deeply refreshing my yoga practice can be.
In the midst of the late afternoon hustle at home and feeling scattered and unsettled, I decided to tuck away in my room and do the yoga that I’ve been putting on the back burner all week.
I’m so glad that I did.
As I moved through the motions, the fresh spring air from the opened windows blew in, and I was literally serenaded with the songs of the sweet birds outside my window.
Oh, these words … a balm to heart and mind yesterday.
I spoke on the phone with my cherished and wise integrated oncologist about recent lab results from an appointment with my naturopath. (According to the tests that were done, I “have” Hashimoto’s – what??)
The timing was perfect.
We’d been ships passing in the night for what felt like too long, and the week leading up to our anniversary saw us sitting deep in an impasse, barely speaking. Relational rifts hit my heart and spirit deeply, and when they happen with my husband, I feel almost desperate for resolution and unity. Sometimes, though, I can feel my pride keeping my heart hard and my face turned away. It had been one of those weeks.
The words came tucked in to a conversation full of catching up and family updates.
I am so “lucky”, and am “treated” so well, to get the hours I get on my Wednesday afternoons, she said.
I nodded and we hung up the phone and I felt that sense of dissonance in my heart. Why didn’t those words settle right in my heart?
I’m sitting outside, soaking in the glorious gift of this cold but beautiful clear blue sky bright sunshine afternoon … my boys are both napping after more than a week of sharing a terrible bug that has them both pretty wiped out.
Dear one … your world will be turned upside down tomorrow. The call will come with the news you’ve been fearing … you will feel yourself sinking and the world spinning and the dark cloud will descend. The sobs and heartache will overwhelm and feel like it’s a bad dream that won’t lift. Read more
As i soaked in the bath tonight, something changed.
I looked over my body and felt a wave of grace; an overwhelming sense of compassion and appreciation and empathy for this body and all that it has endured and walked through in a year Read more
I was on the phone with my mom tonight, sharing (rapturously) about my time at the sauna today. She knows, and heard again this evening, just how powerful and impactful and refreshing my weekly sauna time has become.
One of the absolute highlights of my week, I told her. Every time I leave, I feel energized and nourished in ways I couldn’t have expected. Read more