horse road


As I looked ahead to May, my mind and heart felt an incredible and unmistakable sense of beautiful unfolding … of LIFE! It was as if a curtain was lifted – April, which had been so heavy and dark with tests and unknowns and waiting and doctor appointments and agonizing decisions, was wrapping up. And May would be ushering in all kinds of goodness. I knew it deep inside.

This strong, lovely sense in my heart may have taken root in a conversation toward the end of April.

I was on the phone with my integrated oncologist, processing my final decision regarding surgery (no surgery!), and she said these words that settled deep within: I needed a “medical break” – a vacation from all things related to the heavy hard medical stuff that marked the month of April. We agreed on my “prescription” for summer: lots of sunshine, continuing my beautiful healing protocols, laughter and love and rest and in and through it all, the gentle grace of time, to allow my body to find its way back.


The month started off with three days away with two of my best girlfriends … the luxury of a long car ride and nonstop conversation, a conference that refreshed and inspired, a stay in a great hotel, amazing meals out, so  much laughter and sharing of hearts and ideas and life. Truly, a perfect time away.

Another nugget of goodness that just happened (wink) to come in May has been the participation in a horse therapy program, specific for women healing from breast cancer … an opening this month, that happens to meet Wednesday afternoon (my only free window of time). Grace, all of it.

I had been feeling a nudging toward tightening up some aspects of my eating protocol and this month has found me and a dear friend partnering together (accountability and encouragement are the best!) as we both feel similar clarity about stepping up some areas. So far, it’s going so good. We are on a pretty radical plan and yet it feels very manageable … due largely, I think, to my motivation having much more to do with my deep healing and wellness than anything superficial.

My beloved and I have been enjoying a standing Saturday morning breakfast date which has been so unspeakably wonderful … an anchor of connection and conversation in our week. I continue to remember and feel grateful to have married someone that I SO love talking with – processing and discussing and envisioning.  One Saturday, we sat under the sun with our coffees and as we talked, I looked at him and just felt overwhelmingly grateful to be sharing life with someone for whom I have so much respect, and with whom our core values are so aligned. Out of that core unity, flows so much as we discuss and explore all of life – different lenses but shared common ground. So good.

Another gift this month: the owner of the spa where I go for my weekly sauna sent me a note, offering me three *free hyperbaric oxygen treatments. What?! Such generosity. I’ve always wanted to try this and yet it has been cost prohibitive.  After accepting that this indeed was a gift, I smiled and realized how it made sense – how this life-giving opportunity would of course come during May.

God is so good.

I am grateful for the ways that I am getting more able to really listen to my body. I have experienced pretty crushing fatigue and brain fog this month – certainly unwelcome and discouraging.  As I’ve sorted through the pieces, I sensed that this may be due to anemia (something that hit me very hard over the fall and winter – thanks, chemo).  I requested labs be done and indeed found out yesterday that I am anemic again so I’ve resumed taking a supplement that provided tremendous help but that I had slacked off of taking when my iron levels improved. This time, I will continue taking it for many months, allowing my levels to improve and stabilize.

I suspect that the brain fog is due both to lingering chemo effects and the Hashimoto’s I was told I have a few months ago. I am still sorting through the best approach to healing this – one of my doctor’s essentially said that the reality is that the sheer volume of toxic interventions that my body has been through has created an impact that will require time to resolve and heal. Oh, how impatient I can be! But she reminded me: incredibly intense chemo, surgery, heart impacts from the herceptin, radiation, another surgery to resolve the anemia – it has been a lot.  My sense is that certain labs and test right now would show various issues (ie, Hashimoto’s) that likely have been primarily created by treatments and with consistent, comprehensive healing protocols, will eventually resolve.

All of life: a gift and also a glorious and continuous unfolding as we learn and grow and soak deeply in the blessings of today while always, ever-growing and being stretched in new ways. I have never felt more alive and also, like I’m uncovering so much in myself … having a sense of being guided daily toward new exploration to expand my healing. 

(pictured above: the road leading up to the my Wednesday afternoon horse time)

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