The steady march of excruciatingly difficult decisions

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From the first moment after The Call came on January 8, 2016  – after I caught my breath and for every breath I’ve taken since, I’ve known for sure: this is my body and my healing path that I will walk out.  I will need to study and pray and seek and learn and be stretched and be torn and seek second and third opinions and ultimately, I will have to

make the hard decision.

I can look back over the last fifteen months and see, as if with mile markers in the road, the extraordinarily difficult decisions I made. Each one was a pivot, that shifted the course of my treatment and my life.

I can’t imagine walking this healing path any differently and yet, going against the flow has never been easy.  Moving along the conveyor belt of the standard of care treatment recommendations would have certainly felt easier in the moment (and during some appointments) and yet, easier isn’t really my goal. Healing is, and in the deepest and most lasting ways.

Last week, I had another decision to make.  This decision actually involved a few smaller,  lead up decisions.  I sought counsel, did research, prayed and sat quietly with the decision/myself. Our bodies really do speak to us and I’ve had moments of unmistakeable clarity and knowing – some may say it is intuition, our bodies guiding, the Spirit prompting. I see it as all of those things at times, and it takes quiet to truly listen.

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After writing this, everything took a huge turn as information was revealed that made the decision much easier (I WILL be having surgery later this month) but that confirmation came swathed in chaos and questions.

I continue to sort through this new information, wading through doctor calls and visits and the angst and fear that this journey continues to deliver.

And the question remains: how do I walk out my every day life, steeped in homeschooling and loving my babies and cooking meals and managing our home – how do I DO this, when the dark cloud continues to try and creep in? When I wake and remember the heavy questions and unknown?

What I know for sure and keep learning fresh, is that I simply cannot stay my mind in anticipating and attempting to forecast and sit in the fear and potential stress of what *may be ahead. I have THIS MOMENT – and in this very moment, I have my breath and I have access to the peace that God offers that truly surpasses all understanding.

Yesterday, I decided to override my feelings (overwhelm, fatigue, worry) and take the next best step for my body and mind: yoga, rebounding, and healing foods. And as I sank in to my yoga stretches, I felt a deep relaxation … an exhale from deep within. And in that moment, throughout my  body, I felt so good. Strong and well.

And I am.

 

 

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